Little things that are shortening my lifespan one moment at a time

Do you want to know something sad? I had to add an entire Category for "irrationalities" in my sidebar once I realized I'd written so many posts about the tiny, crazy things that rattle around in my brain that really don't fall into Other Categories for Normal People.

(I haven't published them all yet because I don't want to set off some Google Alert to the psychiatrists out there who might be looking for some new neurotic person to study. But the posts, they're coming. Brace yourselves; they're coming.)

They contain things like this:

- When I'm leaving Kmart with 12 bags of stuff and the security buzzers go off, it makes me sweat. Seriously sweat. The irony is that I am not stealing anything, and they have yet to ever actually come search my bags. They always just wave me through without even calling for backup. (Clearly, their security approach is second-to-none.) But it doesn't change the fact that I get that awkward adrenaline rush and practically start phoning my lawyer (I don't really have a lawyer) as I walk up to those security posts to pass through them.

- If I'm at a stoplight and I hear someone honk in my vicinity, I automatically look up to see if the light's green and I'm the doofus holding up traffic. (I'm not.) When the light is still red, I look around and see if I know anyone in any of the cars. (I don't.) Next, my thoughts run along the lines of, "Did I put a cup on top of my car and forget it? Do I have a flat tire? Is there a cat hanging from my undercarriage?" (I've seen that story on CNN.) For some reason, I am completely incapable of considering the possibility that the person was honking at someone else or was leaning over into their floorboard to pick up their phone that they dropped while they were texting and accidentally honked with their elbow. No, I'd rather just work myself up into a complete lather over it in the span of five seconds.

- When I play Bejeweled Blitz or some other timed game on the computer or Wii, I either have to mute the sound effects or turn them off altogether. As time counts down and nears the 10-second mark, the racing music and/or blinking clock send me into a blind panic. HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED TO PERFORM UNDER THAT KIND OF PRESSURE?

- And then, there was that time WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL that I overheard a woman at church tell another woman at church (who happened to be the mom of three boys) that every son you have takes three years off of your life. Twenty years hence, three sons later, and I still remember that comment. I mean, clearly we could all die tomorrow, but according to that woman, I ACTUALLY MIGHT.


I know you can't wait to read more about how weird I am. Don't worry. There's a veritable WEALTH of information on this topic.