Joy in the midst of sorrow

It's taken me over a week to be able to write about Jakey's 2nd birthday party.

It was scheduled for last Sunday, a mere 30 hours after we found out that my cousin Kyser had been shot. I debated and debated over whether or not to have it, but ultimately decided to go ahead with it. My parents had driven over for it, but they spent the day at Ben and Kathryn's house supporting them, and rightly so.

And I'm going to go ahead and recap the party here for posterity, but I just wanted to say first that profound grief has a strange effect on your perception of time. I find myself unable to believe that it's only been a week since Kyser died. It feels like a month. I can taste the bile rising in my throat even as I type that. The thought that someone has taken another person's life -- such a PROMISING young man's life -- and is still running around out there without a care in the world ... well, that's just repulsive. Absolutely repulsive.

But I suppose that's a post for another day, and this one is supposed to be all about Jakey and his buddy Buzz. So, here we go. Remember how about a month ago he interrupted us when we were talking about his birthday party and asked for a "Buh" cake?

Well, I SAW his Buzz cake, and I RAISED him some tacky Toy Story hanging decorations.

 Of course, in addition to my tacky lovely hanging decorations, I actually did ask our baker-friend Vickie to make him a Buzz cake. And she really outdid herself with this one!

The detailing was so amazing, and the colors so vivid.

She included the CLEFT IN HIS CHIN, for goodness sakes!

When Jakey saw it for the first time, he clapped and yelled, "BUZZ!" Because in the intervening month he's added the consonant on the end, and -- truth be told -- he's bestowed upon Buzz a nickname, as if they're old fraternity buddies: "Buzzy."

Of course, being old fraternity buddies doesn't mean that you can't stick a fork in the icing version of said buddy's face and dig right in.

No siree, Bob. You can do it, and you can LOVE it.

Repeatedly.

It would be rude of me to insinuate that Jakey was the only one who enjoyed the heck out of Buzzy.

As a matter of fact, ALL of us loved the cake as well as some terrifically delicious Peppermint Blue Bell ice cream on the side.

But most of the rest of us used spoons. Some people couldn't be bothered with such details.

After we'd decimated Buzzy, we headed out to the backyard for Jakey to open his gifts.

It only took a few minutes, but it was a lot of fun to see the wonder in his eyes as he realized that the wrapped gifts were all for him.

The whole thing lasted about an hour from start to finish, and it was more sweet than bitter ... but overall a little bittersweet. To be celebrating the life of one in the midst of our grief over the loss of another was a hard line to walk. I guess to a degree, Jake's birthdays may always feel that way to me. I was talking with Patrice in the middle of last week about how Jake's birthday has been synonymous with Gabe's death, since they were born just a few days apart. And now I imagine that I'll also always associate it with Kyser's death, which compounds my sadness as I sit here and ponder that.

But I also know that if we do a good job of raising him, he may turn out to be close to what the Lord molded Kyser to be. And in my mind, being given the chance to do that with our three boys is an immeasurable honor. I still can't believe that I've been entrusted with raising these three kids.

We are blessed.