My beloved PB has disappointed me

Okay, in years past I've looked forward to the Autumn Pottery Barn catalog like I've looked forward to the Returning Favorites issue of TV Guide. Which is to say, A LOT.

Last week, that double-issue PB catalog arrived in my mailbox and I couldn't WAIT to dig into it. Little did I know what was waiting for me.

When did it become cool for the cul-de-sac-lovin', rosebush-plantin', carpoolin' families of Middle America to go completely GOTH for Halloween? I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks because of what greeted me inside my beloved PB catalog.

Exhibit A: Rats. I'm not sure I could name an amount of money you'd have to pay me to display these in my house for a month.

A few pages over, huge black spiders and dead moss. On the mantel. REALLY?

Perhaps if you're not into giant black spiders on your mantel, you'd be willing to put tombstone candles up there. Because who doesn't want melted reminders of death on their mantel all month long?

And then they REALLY upped it a notch. Turned the amp up to 11, if you will. (That one was for my dad.) Spiders? Check. Tombstone candles? Check. Creepy skull on a mercury glass candlestick? Check. Dead moss? Check. Other than that, IT'S LOVELY.

I've never really needed a bottle stopper. Maybe my friends are a bunch of lushes, but whenever I've opened a bottle of wine in my home, it's been drained to the last drop. No need to "store" it again. But even if they left a sip or two in a bottle in October, I certainly wouldn't use one of these disturbing stoppers for it. Blech.

Only a couple more, so don't worry if you feel as icky as I do right now. The catalogs are full of beautiful things painted on canvases or scrolls right now. These particular scrolls belong in a medieval anatomy & physiology class, though, not in my den.

And lastly, at first I couldn't figure out what bothered me so much about the white pumpkins that are all the rage in the catalogs and DIY circles. I mean, they're just pumpkins, and I LOVE me some festive pumpkins.

But a few days ago, it finally hit me. It's the color. It reminds me sooooo much of the scene in E.T. where he's almost dead and they find him in that ditch and he's that ghastly white color and they have to put him in that incubator and I was so afraid he was going to DIE and sometimes I'm just like that, I get way too caught up in fiction and it bleeds over into other areas of my life. Like seasonal decorating.

That part of the movie has remained with me my entire life. I searched for 20 minutes to find an image to remind you, IN CASE IT HADN'T ALREADY SCARRED YOU FOR LIFE, TOO. And side note, I don't recommend doing a Google search for "dead E.T." anytime soon.

So. I can see that I may have just accidentally ruined white pumpkins for you.

SORRY. Write Pottery Barn a letter.