Things I hate: at Ballard Designs

So when I asked you for blog topics you'd like to hear about recently, my friend Walt (who used a pseudonym, but I'm PRETTY SURE it was my friend Walt) suggested a post about things I hate in my porn one of the home catalogs I read, in lieu of the regular posts in which I list the things I love.

And at first I was all like, "How on Earth am I going to find things I hate at Ballard or PB?" Turns out, it wasn't that difficult after all. Let's go!

I hit the jackpot for the first time on page 4 when I saw the Rooftop Finials ($39 to $79). I may be speaking as a parent here, but ohmyword they look like trouble.

I look at these and see my boys grabbing them and using them as weapons, as replacements for their light sabers. Plus, they look a little phallic. Never a good thing on a sideboard, in my opinion.

Same goes for these Mercury Glass Finials ($19 to $49).

Christmastime is a completely inappropriate season for phallic decorating. Valentine's Day, MAYBE, but you're still pushing the limits of good taste, people.

Next I came upon the Wooden Crowns ($79 to $89), which just look like mutated forms of coral to me.

I just feel in my heart like the Wise Men really would have done better.

Now. I'm not against animal print. I AM, however, against animal hide that isn't oversized for proper scale to your room and therefore looks like roadkill dropped right into your foyer. Like so:

LAYERED ROADKILL, NO LESS. For only $449. And if the cowhide weren't rough enough, they have what they term a "Zebra-shaped Rug," about which the only thing I can say is, Yes, it is, in fact, zebra-shaped.

Still, at only $199, you might consider it a steal next to the cowhide version.

Onward! It goes against my nature to rail against a catalog I love so dearly, and yet it must be fulfilling some kind of long-latent need. The time has come. I'M ON A ROLL.

The next item to pop up on my radar was the Niles Double Coat Rack ($179). What problem could I possibly have with a coat rack, you ask?

IT HAS NO DOOR. Perhaps that comes on the $999 version. The lines on it are nice and everything, but EGADS, how quickly would that thing get piled up and overflow? If I had that thing standing in a mammoth foyer like the one in the catalog, it would soon look like every closet in our house had thrown up on it. Trust me on this. I live it every day of my LIFE. That foyer is so big you should just go ahead and build a freaking closet in it, BY THE WAY.

Okay, I just have a few more. Faux Mike Coat Ornaments. DO I EVEN NEED TO COMMENT?

Fine. I bet they smell like my bunny fur coat from the 1980s, like a wet cat. They look like tiny little Chewbacca jackets hanging on that poor Christmas tree. Hardly a bargain at 6 for $20.

At first I wasn't sure about the Fresh Cedar Alphabet Wreath ($35). I mean, the price isn't bad. But after about 30 seconds, I realized what was bothering me about it. It reminds me of The Grinch.

Decision: The only letter that would look good as a wreath is O.

And last but not least, the sweet Montresor Deer ($169 to $199) greeted me toward the back of the catalog. Okay. They're cute. They're seasonal. They're weather-resistant.

But I'll be darned if I'm gonna spend all of November and December being startled as I pass by my back door by seeing two life-like deer who look like they're begging to be let in out of the cold. And I'm QUITE sure Grayson would quickly tire of me yelling at him thrice a day, "HONEY! LET THE DEER IN!"