Slices of Life, Vol. 37

Nathaniel and Nicholas were arguing in the van recently over something Harry Potter plot-related. Of course I was busily tuning them out until I heard this:

Nicholas: "You're trying to make me look like a fool!"

Nathaniel: "Oh, you don't need ME to help make you look like a fool."

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On the day of Nathaniel's last baseball game of the season, I was walking out of the ballpark with Jake when we approached two posts set about two feet apart. It was safer to walk between them rather than move to the right and step into the busy parking lot, so I headed straight ahead, with Jake trailing a few feet behind me.

Jake: "MOMMY. STOP."

Me: "What is it, buddy?"

Jake: "YOU CAN'T FIT."

I would like to state, for the record, that I CAN, in fact, still walk through a two-foot-wide open space with little to no problem. But it's good to know Jakey's on the lookout for me.

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Several days later, Jake and I took a trip to Target to pick up a few things. As we walked up to the double glass doors that open electronically to let you in the store (the DOUBLE glass doors), I think Jake decided he needed to renew his objection:

Jake: "MOMMY. STOP."

Me: "What is it? Are you going to tell me you don't think I can fit through those doors?"

Jake: "Yes. You are too big for Alabama."

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I am all about a teachable moment. In this case, we exceeded any expectations of "teachable" that I could possibly have had. While driving home on the last day of school, Nathaniel rolled down his window and stuck his hand out to feel the breeze.

Nicholas: “NATHANIEL. You are NEVER supposed to stick your hand out the window.”

Nathaniel: “Why? ‘Cause it’ll get knocked off?”

Nicholas: “YES. Right, Mommy?”

Me: “Well, it’s possible. I remember one time several years ago, a local football team and cheerleaders were in a school bus on their way home from a big win. One of the cheerleaders stuck her head out the window while the bus was moving, and a telephone pole or stop sign hit her in the head and killed her. It was so tragic.”

Nicholas: “Did it knock her head OFF?”

Me: “Yes, I believe so.”

Nicholas: “WELL. I am for sure never sticking my PENIS out the window.”

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Jake pulled a sippy cup full of apple juice out of the fridge and took a big sip:

Jake: “Mommy. Is this appuh juice old?”

Me: “Well, it’s from last night, so it might be a little old.”

Jake: [takes another sip] “NO, IT’S A BIG OLD.”

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Nicholas: “Ya know, we’re just really not into Zhu Zhu Pets anymore.”

Me: “Well, this would be a good time to get rid of them if you don’t want them anymore. I’m giving away lots and lots of stuff on Monday, and we can put the Zhu Zhu Pets out there with all of that.”

Nicholas: “Well, JAKE might want them. You COULD try to remember that you have a FAMILY.”

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Nicholas asked me a question about something recently, and I suppose I gave what might have been considered a thoughtful, intelligent answer. He responded: “Mommy, you are really smart. I mean, you’re not as smart as ME … after all, I can spell half the word ‘octopus.’”

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At the pool the other day, I jumped in after the boys and surfaced to hear this gem:

Nathaniel: "Mommy. What do you call it when you jump in the pool?"

Me: "What?"

Nathaniel: "A 'tsu-mommy!' "  [hysterical laughter]

So, Internet, I've now apparently been upgraded to an official natural disaster.

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While the boys were watching TV one night, Nicholas was unwilling to let Nathaniel have the remote and choose a show to watch:

Nathaniel: "Nick, I just don't know how you're ever going to be able to keep a wife."

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Jake is often very proud of how cute he looks in pictures, because he's usually happy to mug for the camera and loves to show off his dimples. However, while we were at the beach and I was working on a blog post, he saw a picture of himself that wasn't all that flattering and said, "MOMMY. I wasn't cheezin'!"

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The night before we headed to the beach house, we stayed in a hotel. As we piled onto the elevator to go up to our room, the boys went first, Grayson got on with the luggage cart, and then I [literally] squeezed in  last. One of the boys pushed the button for our floor, and there was a little delay before the car started moving.

Nicholas: “Uh, do you think it will go up with you … I MEAN, do you think it will go up with all of US on it?”