"REQUEST FOR IMMEDIATE ACTION."
"WARNING: $2,000 FINE, 5 YEARS IMPRISONMENT, OR BOTH FOR INTERFERING OR OBSTRUCTING WITH DELIVERY OF THIS LETTER."
"2ND ATTEMPT."
"SENSITIVE MATERIAL ENCLOSED."
"TO BE OPENED BY ADDRESSEE ONLY. PLEASE RESPOND WITHIN FIVE DAYS."
And on the inside:
"EXTREMELY URGENT AND TIME SENSITIVE."
"IMPORTANT NOTICE."
It's clear that this is about my car, the one that we'll pay off later this year. What the heck? Are they trying to repossess it? What's the big emergency?
And then, at the very, very bottom of the notice, right next to the gummy adhesive stuff and in the ONLY non-all-caps type on the entire mailer:
"This is an advertisement to extend your coverage."
I WANT TO KILL SOMEONE.
