In which I expound on bread

When I wrote yesterday that there is a “correct” way to tie (clockwise) and untie (counter-clockwise) the twist-tie on the bread bag, I had no idea what those innocent words were going to do to my day. NO. IDEA.

Internet. SOME OF YOU DO NOT EVEN USE THE TWIST-TIE TO RESEAL THE BREAD. As the Comments and Tweets flowed in yesterday, I felt increasingly agitated, thinking of all of you who simply tie a knot in the bread or – GASP – just tuck the end of the bag under the loaf before you sit it back in your pantry.

FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST PUT IT IN YOUR SINK AND LEAVE WATER RUNNING OVER IT ALL WEEK LONG.

What am I going to DO with you people?

Okay, first of all, I didn’t know this was going to need a post all on its own. But clearly there’s a need to discuss my bread-related neuroses. I feel like I have to give you a tutorial on how to buy and care for your sandwich bread.

SHOPPING

When grocery shopping, you may be the kind of person who grabs the loaf closest to the edge of the shelf as you walk down the aisle. NO! Or you may be the other kind of person, who gently squeezes a few loaves and takes the one that feels the plushest. NO! Help me, help you: THE TWIST-TIES ARE YOUR FRIEND. Fresh bread isn’t baked and delivered to stores daily. Each day’s delivery has a colored twist-tie associated with it: Monday – Blue; Tuesday – Green; Thursday – Red; Friday – White; Saturday – Yellow. So if you went shopping on Wednesday, you’d want to get a Green twist-tie, which indicates that it was delivered yesterday, NOT a Red twist-tie, because that bread (if it’s still on the shelf) is almost a week old. This is also a big time-saver for the delivery people, because they know at a glance which bread to pull and replace when they make a delivery, without having to look at the date printed on each loaf. I KNOW, RIGHT? Brilliant.

USING & STORING

When I get my bread out to use, I always skip the heel (end-piece) and the first full piece of bread. I pull the second and third pieces out to make a sandwich, because often (especially as the loaf ages) that first full piece gets a little stale. If you always leave it there to act as the Designated Stale Piece, it will be the only one in the loaf like that, whereas if you throw that piece away each time you open the loaf, you’ll end up going through several pieces of bread that way.

After making my sandwich, I squeeze all the excess air out of the bag, then seal it with the original twist-tie to keep it fresh. Leaving the bag open at all, or just tucking it under the loaf, can leave it susceptible to mold spores. GROSS.

OTHER USES FOR TWIST-TIES
Once you’ve reached the end of the loaf and don’t need the twist tie anymore, you CAN throw it away. However, I’ve found that they are excellent for tying cords up (such as behind your computer or excess length on a lamp cord in your den). I have several operating in that capacity throughout my house. Also, you can use the red, green and blue ones to make light sabers for LEGO people.You fold it in half and tie a little black electrical tape around the bottom, and it will fit in their hands very nicely.

THERE. I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW.