My ornery day

I was supposed to spend last Wednesday resting up to go back to work the next day, after being home with bronchitis and double ear infections the previous two days. That plan came to a screeching halt when the van wouldn't start for Grayson to take the kids to their schools that morning -- even after he tried jumping the battery.

He made two runs with his car, and then I had to call a tow truck to come get the van (and me) and take us to Sears to have a new battery installed. I practically had to beat the tow truck driver off with a stick, so sexy was I looking that day. Actually, quite frankly, I'm surprised he didn't invite me to sit on the truck bed with the van instead of inside the cab with him.

So anyway, I'm typically really nice to servicepeople. Like, if I had a superpower, that would be it ... Really Nice to Waitresses and Cashiers. But this lady at the Sears service desk had the unfortunate luck of catching me on this day when I had:

   - been pulled out of bed at home while nursing a fever and aching body
   - waited two hours on a tow truck
   - ridden across town in an un-air-conditioned tow truck with no seatbelt

and was literally sweating bullets right there in front of her. So here's how that went down:

Sears Lady: "Which of our DieHard batteries would you like? We have a six-year and an eight-year."

Me: "So one is guaranteed for six years and one for eight years?"

SL: "No, the six-year is guaranteed for 18 months and the eight-year is guaranteed for three years."

Me:  [blank stare]

SL: "The six-year is $85 and the eight-year is $125."

Me: "Shouldn't they be called the '18-month' and the 'three-year'?"

SL: "No. After that point, they're prorated."

Me: "I don't understand."  [pause to let sweat make its way from the middle of my back down my buttcrack and into my underwear]  "Do you have a pamphlet I can look at?"

SL: "A what?"

Me: "A BROCHURE."

SL: "All this is printed on the back of your receipt."

Me: "Which I Don't Get Until After I Purchase The Battery And Have It Installed, Right?"

SL: "Yes."

Me: "Well since I've put three batteries in this van already and it's only five years old, I guess I'll take the three-year. Because I'll for sure be back before then."

SL: "So you want the eight-year."

Me: "Right. 'The eight-year'."

And Internet, I gave her air quotes. ORNERY, I TELL YOU.