Uncomfortable truths, vol. 48

1. I want every window in my van to have that one-touch roll-down feature. Including the sunroof. I'M THE DRIVER. If I'm opening or closing any window -- not just my own -- I really need to have my hands free. I've never understood why the driver's window button is the only one with the one-touch feature. All of the window control buttons on the driver's side should be that way. I could go on about this forever.

2. The fifth time a woman who's waxing my eyebrows asks me if I also want my mustache waxed "while she's there," I'm finally going to say yes. Three down, two to go.

3. While I was in Hawaii, I confirmed something I've suspected for years but didn't know for sure: I will pee in the Atlantic, but not in the Pacific. I think it's because the water's too pretty.

4. I wish Reese Witherspoon's dashcam arrest video had been feature-length. I could have watched that for two hours. I may have, if you add up all the minutes I replayed the little bit of footage I had. "I'm an American, standing on American soil." We get so patriotic when we get arrested.

5. When I get to the part of the form that asks how I found out about your doctor's office and my method isn't listed, I get really antsy. I want a write-in vote so I can go on for about a paragraph about how I found your office.