Pumpkins at the dentist

If there's time after trick-or-treating, I hope to have a Halloween post for you tomorrow. But you might have to be patient.

It seemed really apropos, though, since yesterday marked exactly one year since Nathaniel got his braces, that I share with you the amazing jack-o-lanterns that are on display at his orthodontist's office. When we went in for his regular visit last week, the office was decorated for Halloween. I should mention that they decorate the office year-round for whatever holiday is closest ... and if there's no holiday in sight, well, they make something up. They're a cheerful, celebratory group.

So last week, each of the staff members had decorated a mini-pumpkin, numbered it, and the patients had to guess which pumpkin went with each person. Whichever patient correctly matches the most pumpkins with the most staff wins a prize!

I have to say, I was REALLY impressed with the quality of the work.

Look at the mummy!

According to one of the techs, they weren't allowed to look on Pinterest or anything for ideas.

But she was quick to tell us that ONE PERSON DID. Ahem. She indicated that it was the cheeseburger pumpkin.

Regardless of who might have "cheated" just a little bit, each one made us smile.

I love that our orthodontist's office is such a happy place ... Nathaniel never complains about going.

(By the way, if you're still carving pumpkins and you're tired of the mess, acrylic paints are the way to go. Trust me on this. It's not as messy and the pumpkins don't rot as quickly.)

I'm hoping it doesn't rain on us tonight ... we have four little ones who are REALLY looking forward to trick-or-treating. Happy Halloween!

Uncomfortable truths, vol. 56

1. Every time I see a news story like this ...

... I think, "I could do that. I could totally do that. I wonder if that will happen to me one day. If it did, I bet I could land a plane. Definitely."

2. I feel like if I don't publish a post, I ruin several hundred people's first cup of coffee of the day. It's a lot of pressure. This is not a completely unfounded paranoia, by the way. People have actually said that to me.

3. I thought everyone organized their Loose Change Compartment in their car by silver vs. copper, then by size, until one of my co-workers saw mine and asked, "You DO know you need professional help, right?"

4. When I walk up to my desk and someone's sitting in my chair talking to a co-worker, I feel like Goldilocks. Or Kevin Costner in Field of Dreams. "YOU'RE A GUEST IN MY CORN." I want them out. Now.

5. Instead of using the Do Not Disturb feature on my phone, I use a scrunchie as an iPhone nest on my bedside table. SCRUNCHIES ARE SO MULTI-FUNCTIONAL, Y'ALL.

Slices of Life, Vol. 46

I was watching Dateline with Nathaniel and Nick one night, when Nathaniel issued a warning as it went to commercial:

Nathaniel: "Oh, we should fast-forward though this next part. Something about sexual abuse is coming up."

Nick: "What does 'sexual' mean?"

Nathaniel: "Uh, why don't YOU take this one, Mommy?"

Our kids have all given up their pacis between 18 months and 2 years old. Amelia has decided to blow right past the two-year mark. One day recently after her nap when I tried to get her to give it up, she insisted on keeping her paci.

I held my hand out and said, "Please give me your pass."

Instead, she reached out with an empty hand and "gave me Five."
 

Jake: "Mommy! I got chocolate milk on my head."

Me: [looking in his hair for milk]

Jake: "No, not up there, on my FORE one."

 


We haven't had a home phone in a long time; we just use our cell phones. But recently we reinstated a landline because it came as part of a new cable package. Nick was trying to call a friend on it for the first time:

Nick: "I can't make a call. This phone isn't working. It's broken. How do we fix it?"

Me: "Is it even plugged in? Pick it up and listen for dialtone."

Nick: "What's DIALTONE?"

Nathaniel has recently developed an interest in shows on Food Network, and he watched the most recent season of Food Network Star with me. During the first episode of the season, at first I couldn't tell if he was really into it or if he was just watching it to pass the time. But when it got down to the eliminations, he wrapped his arms around his knees and exclaimed, "THIS IS INTENSE."

While we were at the beach in July, Jake experienced the wonder of banana pudding for the first time:

Jake: "What is this?"

Me: "Banana pudding."

Jake: "It tastes like it has bananas in it."

Me: "I think it does. Do you want me to get the recipe from Aunt Patsy so I can make it?"

Jake: "Yeah. You should prolly start with bananas, because I'm pretty sure they're in there."

Me: "I bet you're right."

[Long pause for two more bites.]

Jake: "There have GOT to be bananas in here!"  [pause]  "Hey! Maybe that's why they call it banana pudding!"

Nathaniel knocked on the powder room door:

Me: "Occupied."

Nathaniel: "Well, Nick's in the one upstairs."

Me: "if you can wait just a minute, I'll be out."

Nathaniel: "Imagine what it's gonna be like with four of us in one bathroom every morning."  [pause, then, horrified] "IMAGINE WHAT IT'S GONNA BE LIKE WHEN AMELIA STARTS DOING HER HAIR."

At the pool in August, Amelia begged to be in my arms, basically surveying the rest of the pool from that vantage point as if it were her kingdom.

Soon, the boys came over and tried to climb on me -- because what is a mom in a pool but a mountain to be climbed? But as each of them attempted to get close, Amelia swatted them away with one grand, sweeping arm motion, like Godzilla, the entire time yelling "MINE, MINE, MIIIIIIIIINE!"

Part of Nick's homework recently was working on tenses of verbs.

Nick: "I'm no good at these."

Me: "Sure you are. Let's do the first one together. 'Did you FIND your shoes?' Now you complete the next sentence. 'Yes, I ...' "

Nick: "Found my shoes."

Me: "Good. Okay. 'Did you GRIND the pepper?' Your turn. 'Yes, I ...' "

Nick: "Did."

The boys and I met Grayson and Amelia one evening for supper after having been gone all afternoon.

Me: "Did you have a good nap?"

Grayson: "Not really. I'd only been asleep for about 20 minutes when a loud boom woke me up. It shook the whole house. Crazy."

Nathaniel: "Earthquake?"

Nick: "Robber?"

Jake: "GIANT?"

Jake: "Before I turn six, I need to figure out where I want to have my birthday party."

Nick: "Before you turn SIX, you need to figure out how to take video with your iPod Touch without your finger being in the way."

Things people say ... vol. 10

I'm back with the tenth installment of my snarkiest post series. This is fitting for the third month of my diet-and-exercise phase. Oh, and for those who have been wondering, I'm down 24.5 pounds and two sizes in clothes.

Yes, something to be proud of and exciting, blah blah blah, but I'm mean as a snake these days. I feel like I've lost my sense of humor and any semblance of patience I had for the other human beings on the planet. Life without the foods I love is a sad life for me. On the plus side, it gives me plenty of time to obsess about how those aforementioned fellow human beings pronounce things all wonky. And take them to task for it on my blog.

Fer-MILL-yer. Adding an R where it doesn't belong has got to be one of the all-time worst pronunciation offenses out there. We've been over this before, SHERBERT.

PILL-uh. When someone pronounces it this way, it makes me want to smother him with one.

POK-uh dots. There's an L in there. We ought to be using it.

In-VY-er-mint. I'll give these people partial credit. They're trying with their R. They're just putting it in the wrong spot. And losing the O and N altogether.

MUN-dee, TOOS-dee, WINZ-dee, THURZ-dee, FRY-dee- SAT-er-dee, SUN-dee. I envision this being the way the Chick-fil-A cows pronounce -- and spell -- the days of the week.

Buh-KIZ. Admittedly, it doesn't help matters when you can't stand the person who mispronounces a word, which is the case with this one. There are MANY ways that people mispronounce "because." But this is the one that really gets my goat.

Surry. This is how my first husband pronounces Siri's ("Seery's") name, and it drives me up a wall.

Missed the earlier "Things people say" ... posts? You can read them here. (Losing all of my Comments in the last blog redesign is one of my great regrets, because the Comments on these posts in particular were solid gold. **crying real tears**)

Columbus Day with Amelia

A couple of days every year that my office is closed for federal holidays, our daycare is also closed for professional development days. In other words, I get a day off from work, but I still have to work.

YES, I SAID IT.

Luckily, my coworkers on those days have historically been cuter than my coworkers on regular workdays. Whinier -- though only marginally -- but much cuter.

I may or may not have been hoping that Columbus Day would dawn rainy and mopey so that Amelia and I could loaf around the house all day in our PJs, watching SuperWhy! on a loop and eating dry cereal on the couch.

Not only did that not happen, but it turned out to be possibly the most beautiful morning we'd had in MONTHS. So my conscience literally drove us out of the house and downtown to Railroad Park by 9:30. (Ironically, I work in one of the buildings in this picture.)

But seriously. How could we NOT visit this jewel of a park and its paved walking trail on this gorgeous day? At first, Amelia seemed to question the wisdom of my decision.

But then she and Wyatt (SuperWhy) had a confab about it and decided it was A-OK, after all.

I mean, really. These pictures are from my PHONE. And they aren't retouched.

And they aren't from Instagram.

Or any other app.

They're just straight out of the plain old camera. It was just one of those days where you're happy to be alive. So happy that you don't even notice that your index finger is hanging over the right edge of the plain old camera lens.

Bygones. Because THIS.

Amelia, Wyatt and I walked two miles around the picturesque park.

Every time I stopped to take a picture of the gorgeous skyline, she kicked her legs and screamed, "GO!" at me.

 I know you'd never guess from looking at her that she has an attitude. But yeah.

It's either buried deep in there or right beneath the surface. Not sure which. You decide.

On Columbus Day if someone told you they saw a crazy lady throwing Smarties into the grass at Railroad Park trying to get her daughter to turn around and look at the Birmingham skyline so she could get a picture of her, I'd have to tell you I have no idea who that crazy lady was.

But I'd also tell you that the crazy lady was probably S-O-L because the kid crawled and walked around everywhere looking for those Smarties but NEVER ONCE JUST TURNED AROUND AND LOOKED AT THE DADGUM SKYLINE ON THAT PERFECT DAY SO THAT A GORGEOUS PICTURE COULD BE TAKEN.

And she knew it.

SHE. KNEW. IT.

Pinch-hitting: Uncomfortable truths by my sister

My sister understands that Uncomfortable Truths need to be TRULY UNCOMFORTABLE. And in that spirit, she wrote a set to share with you all.

She also had total writer's remorse and backed out. Like, she reneged in a BIG WAY and took her first set back completely. Then she sent me a second set. And out of this second set, we removed one of them altogether and heavily edited one that remains. And yet, AND YET. You're STILL about to read some pretty fine stuff.

Ladies and several gentlemen, my sister:

1. I occasionally pick my nose in private. Because I enjoy it, like every kid does. I don't care how gross this is to you; everyone does it. EVERYONE DOES IT. If you're super-judgmental and think this is gross, here's some Bonus Katherine Information no one knows to get you on my side: When Katherine and I were kids, I was walking across her bedroom one night and stepped on a fresh booger she'd recently swiped on the floor. I started dry heaving and she was unable to breathe from laughter. 

{Editor's Note: I don't usually break in, but I have to say how nice it is that my sister chose to throw me under the bus in HER Uncomfortable Truths post. Class act. Also, I deny the event in question. Deny, deny, DENY.}

2. I had cellulite by age 19 when I weighed about 125 pounds and ran six miles a day. It started on my butt, then my FRONT THIGHS (which was awesome for a college student when Daisy Dukes were the style), then back thighs, tummy, etc. Now I have it places I didn't even know you could have it, like my CHIN. That's not a dimple. That's cellulite.

3. I know I seem disgusting because of the above uncomfortable truths, but I'm not okay with anyone intentionally farting in front of anyone else as if it's funny (unless the farter is under the age of 4. No, make that 3). I don't care if you've been married 20 years. No farting on purpose. Also, I think everyone should avoid, at all costs, anyone smelling your poop, knowing that you are pooping, or knowing that you have pooped, if at all possible; no matter who, where or when. That includes long-term relationships.

4. I learned to drive a car on a stick shift. Ever since I've owned an automatic, which is all I've driven since 2003, I've felt ashamed. Constant. Shame.

5. In college, I used a (real) diagnosis of walking pneumonia to get out of taking two final exams, and instead, wrote two papers for my final grade. I was great at writing papers, so I got 2 As, but I probably would've gotten Cs on the normal tests.

Amelia's 2nd birthday post

This morning I published Amelia's 2nd-birthday post, but I retro-posted it back on September 26th. You know, so years from now she can find it ON HER BIRTHDAY instead of a month later. As you do.

If you'd like to read it, click here.

Give a kid a milkshake

Saturday night we went out to supper, and at the end of our meal the kids asked to get milkshakes. One out of every five times Nathaniel drinks a milkshake, it makes him sick, but you have to admire his perseverance: he ordered one anyway.

As we were pulling out of the parking lot to drive home, he suddenly said, “I’m gonna be sick. I’m definitely gonna be sick.”

Internet, we were four miles from our house. Nine minutes including stoplights. Here’s the transcript.

Grayson: DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO THROW UP IN.

Nathaniel: Yes.

Grayson: YOU DO?

Nathaniel: YES.  [vomit]

Nick: Ohhhhh.

Nathaniel:   [vomit]

Nick: Ohhhhh.

Jake: I THINK HE’S THROWIN’ UP. I THINK HE IS!

Me: Yes, Jake, he is. Be quiet.

Nick:  Ohhhhh, it stinks, it stinks. I’m gonna be sick.

Nathaniel:  [vomit]

Nick: I’m gonna be sick. I’m only two feet away from him.  [whimper, whimper]  KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME, NATHANIEL!

Nathaniel: Uh, it’s kind of getting all over me. Is there anything else up there I can put this in?

Grayson: WHAT DID YOU THROW UP IN?

Nathaniel: A bag. And it’s leaking.

Me: A BAG? Why didn’t you throw up in the Rubbermaid trashcan thingie? Is it because it’s full because you guys never cleaned it out like I asked you to? SO THERE’S AN EMPTY BAG BACK THERE BECAUSE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT ALL THE TRASH FROM YOUR TRASHCAN IN IT, AND THAT’S WHAT YOU THREW UP IN. AND NOW THE BAG IS LEAKING ALL OVER YOU. WELL THAT’S JUST GREAT. I’M PULLING INTO THIS GAS STATION AND WE’RE GOING TO CLEAN THIS UP.

Grayson: It would be faster to go home. Stopping at a gas station is just going to take us longer.

Me:  [look of death] Hand me the baby wipes.

Grayson: You need paper towels. There’s two pounds of vomit on that seat. Baby wipes are just going to smoosh it around.

Me:  [mentally drawing up divorce papers]  HAND ME THE BABY WIPES.

Me: Nathaniel, where’s the bag? … YOU THREW UP IN A PAPER BAG?!

Nathaniel: Yes.

Me: Here. Here’s the Rubbermaid. Hold it. Throw up in this if you have to do it again.

Nick:  [climbing over two seats and pushing past me to get out of the van]  AHHHH, FRESH AIR. Well, it smells like GASOLINE, but I’ll TAKE IT.

[After four minutes of wiping, swiping and scooping …]

Me: Okay, everybody, back in the car.

Me: Alright, we’re three minutes from home. We can do this.

Nick: ROLL ALL THE WINDOWS DOWN.

Jake: THAT’S COLD. I DON’T WANT THE WINDOWS DOWN.

Amelia: WAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Nick: Roll ONLY Amelia’s window up. She’s freezing.

Jake: I’M FWEEZING TOO!

Amelia: WAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Jake: Ooooh, "Weckin' Ball"! Turn it up, Mommy!

Me: I can't turn it up, buddy. I need to be able to hear everything that's going on.

Jake:  Harumph.

Nathaniel: [vomit]  [spit, spit]

Nick: Ohhhhhh, no-no-no-no-no.  [gag]  [gag]

Me: Nick, lean up toward the open window. We’re two blocks from home. You can do this.

Nick: DRIVE FASTER.

Me: I’M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN.

Amelia: WAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Me: Okay. Driveway. We’re here. Everybody out. Nobody touch Nathaniel, and Nathaniel, don’t touch anything. Do NOT let any of those vomity clothes brush up against any part of my van. How are you?

Nathaniel: I feel good now!

Me: Great. No more milkshakes for you.

Nathaniel: Aw, man … WHY?

Nick's 9th birthday party

For Nick's 9th birthday (I know I still haven't written his letter. Or Amelia's. Posts are stacking up like firewood over here.), he asked to take our family and two of his friends to AirWalk.

All he wanted was an evening at AirWalk and one of our friend Vickie's cakes, which was great. Only, one of his friends wasn't allowed to come to AirWalk because his parents had read some scary articles about the trampolines, ambulances, orthopedists, broken bones, surgery, casts, blah blah blah.

So it ended up being the six of us plus Drake.

I've read the same articles that Nick's friend's mom did, and I can understand why she said he couldn't come. I mean, there are risks involved with playing at this kind of facility.

But this was our third or fourth visit, and I can honestly say that we haven't seen any overtly dangerous behavior on any of our visits. The referees do their jobs well, the kids obey the rules, and we haven't seen any injuries.

We'll be going back, is what I'm saying. But I did tell the kid's mom, "Because of your abundance of caution, this will probably be the night we end up with a concussion or a brain bleed. PLEASE DON'T JINX US."

We bought a two-hour "flight," as their playtimes are called; a standard flight is 60 minutes. Amelia was excited to get started ... she's that blurry yellow thing in the air.

She chose a square of trampoline near the front of the large room and stayed there the majority of the night ... the bigger kids running back and forth didn't faze her one bit. Adults would run right across her square and she'd just keep right on jumping.

Nick gets more comfortable with trying complex jumps into the foam pit every time we go.

I like the foam pit ... it's about eight feet deep and very dense, so I don't worry about Nick trying his crazy stunts over there.

He does lots of flips and twists. You'd be able to see them more clearly if I used something other than my phone. Sorry.

Drake, who'd never been to AirWalk before, wanted to spend all night in the dodgeball court. At some point Grayson and the boys decided to join in. And of course Amelia followed them all right in as if she belonged there. I'm telling you, she's not deterred ONE IOTA by Big People. She looks around at all those big kids and adults throwing balls at each other at top speed, and her inner voice says, "Well, I'll fit in jus' fine in here."

So of course I had to drag her out, which led to a tantrum of epic proportions. I counted at least two mothers actively judging me as I tried to navigate its tricky waters.

I was able to coax her back over to "her" square for a few minutes ...

But then she was DONE. So I loaded her up and took her home, and Grayson stuck out the remaining 40 minutes or so with the boys.

After I put Amelia to bed, I pulled out the Minecraft birthday cake that Vickie had made ... another one of her masterpieces!

It was strawberry cake with buttercream icing, and it was amazing, as usual. I had it ready and waiting when they got home from AirWalk.

Just before we cut the cake, Nick opened his gifts ... Drake was so excited for him to open the Nerf gun he'd brought.

Our nephews and niece Grant, Will and Abby sent personalized birthday drawings, which Nick loved.

After he opened his gifts, it was time to sing Happy Birthday and cut the cake!

He was really happy with his day, and so was I. I think there's a lot of pressure on families these days to pull together big parties that are "Pinterest-worthy." If I had the time on my hands, maybe I'd do more of that. But I just don't.

I have to focus on doing the best I can with the time I have, and for Amelia and Nick, that meant doing small parties with no decorations, focusing on the people AND THE CAKES. I refuse to feel shame in that.

I highly, highly recommend resetting your own expectations to those of the average 9-year-old boy. Who has never laid eyes on Pinterest. I'd go so far as to say I believe that's the way God intended it.