Because
nothing is ever that simple, the post office doesn't accept
passport-related requests until 10 a.m. It was only 8 a.m. And their
passport photo machine was broken, so I'd need to have my picture taken
somewhere else and come back.
Walgreen's
was nearby, so I decided to go there, have my photo taken and go back
to the post office later in the day. Yes, THAT Walgreen's.
So, Walgreen's, at the photo center.
Me: "Hi, I'm here to have my passport photo made, please."
Her:
"Okay, they have new regulations. You can't have anything white on, you
can't smile and you have to have your hair pulled back."
Me: "Hmm. Great. That sounds amazing. And this will be my photo of international record for 10 years."
Her:
"Yeah, I know, right? You can just pull that suit jacket around you
real tight, like up to your neck so that white on your shirt doesn't
show. And do you have a ponytail holder? You gotta put all that hair
up."
Me: "Oh, I can't just push it behind my ears?"
Her:
"Nope. Your ears are, like, apparently one of the most identifiable
parts about you.The government has this new software that targets the
different points on your ears and can identify you, like, maybe TOTALLY
BY YOUR EARS."
Me: "OH. Okay. Sure, well, yeah, ears. Let me pull it up."
[I
struggled to pull ALL THAT HAIR back, hair that didn't want to GO THAT
WAY, while she got her little point-and-shoot digital camera ready. I
glanced in the two-inch mirror on a sunglasses display and could see
what looked like a bird's nest perched on top of my head.]
Her:
"Pull that jacket reeeeeeal tight so I can't see any of that shirt,
'cause that white background is like a green screen and that white on
your shirt'll just disappear like a ghost."
Me: [madly pulling at my suit jacket]
Her: "Don't smile, like, at ALL."
Her: [click-click-click]
Her: [pulls camera away from face and scrolls through pictures, pauses] "Erm, Ima take a couple more."
Me: "OKAY."
Her: [click-click]
Her:
[pulls camera away from face and scrolls through pictures, pauses
again] "Erm, Ima hafta crop your hair out. This'll take about 10 minutes.
Just walk around for a while and I'll have it ready for you."
[I
literally wandered around the store for about seven or eight minutes,
coming back to see her at her little Kodak machine using what looked
like bootlegged Microsoft Paint to white out huge swaths of my hair. I
was pretty sure I could see corners. On my hair.]
After
a couple more minutes she printed out two copies and brought them over
to me, ceremoniously placing them into a teal-and-white cardboard
envelope proclaiming, "Find Smiles Inside."
OH THE IRONY.
Internet, you think you've prepared yourselves for what lay inside that envelope, but I promise you, you have not.
I PROMISE YOU.
YOU HAVE NOT.
Please ask all small children to leave the room now, as you prepare to behold my government-issued ID THAT DOES NOT EXPIRE FOR 10 YEARS.
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I have really GOT to stop going to that Walgreen's.
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